Sometimes I wonder why I torture myself by watching certain types of movies. You know, the ones that give you an inkling of HOPE. As if I thought I could take it to heart and suddenly become all flowers, butterflies and unicorns.

The prospects of such a thing is a wonderful thought but it's also terrifying.
Ideas of a shattered barricade, a failed great wall in shambles.
No more laser beam super forcefield that deflects the kind of feelings associated with...

...  that.

*tilts head*
I can't even say it without feeling my throat sink to my gut.

I get panic attacks just thinking about it.
Something I cannot predict or prepare for.
An idea that would, more often than not, leave me in severe discomfort.
Falling.

I can say it in jest or to certain people but I have never really meant it in respect to... Oh, screw it.

My fingers run over the keyboard, dictating the thoughts that fill my head but some words don't fall in line and changed, get written and then erased or were just never put there in the first place. The word that everyone shouts, screams, whispers, mutters and boldly states on the rooftops towards the world.
It's terrifying. It's so terrifying that I make myself not want to get into that situation because I have only myself to protect.

Fear.

I find myself in the uncomfortable throws of stimulus. Uncomfortable. Unpredictable. Unrelenting. Possibly unreq-... No, the last one isn't it.

Number of mini panic attacks today?
2